For the longest time I was running for the things I even don’t know the reasons. It started out of an ordinary day, then it continue to weeks, then months passed, until where i am now, two years after or three perhaps... still running. I never get tired, nor lost my pace of successive interplay of my left and right foot. The longer, the faster, the more i wanted to, but the vaguer the reason why i even wanted to. This might be, conceivably, the work of my memory. All significant facts deluded me to nothingness and absence of credible reason, except for those little details that lured me to fancy and continue, without even realizing the reality why I even started.

This began when everything end. The month, the day, the time, are already at lost. Perhaps the way i narrate this story is not what really happen or a story born out of a complete fiction embellished based from my memory, my sadness, and my longing for her. This could have been a beautiful story, if only the fortuity of fate just bet on my side...

It was during rainy season, it was cold, and it was a silent afternoon. On my way to 34L i saw her sitting alone talking to someone over her phone in the cold floor tiles along the dimly lit 34’s floor corridor. We’ve been friends from 1st yr up until now, we’re not as close as her girlie friends but our ties seems too familiar that i never figured it out that it was much more than that. I greeted her and the usual taunt that has become the everyday part of our college life, which other people mistakenly thought as something else, in which I would out rightly deny and she would backs me up by stating that I’m just a kid. It was those moments that even the very same things is being done over and over in each every day, we never get tired of it, like a vanilla ice cream on the top of mais con yello and a generous sprinkle of rice crispies, somehow it makes everything special. But that day was different, she did not even budge, unnoticed, things started to change in an unstoppable regression of past, present and our ties... in which i did not even know, only to realize after season change twice, that my madness was conceived at that instant and was born from the date i met her.

I thought perhaps another family problem is being discussed in that conversation, so I put my distance and just entered the room. I placed my backpack in the chair behind her usual spot, there i noticed that i was alone except for her bag and my backpack, the empty chairs and the blank board. Since i still have a couple of minutes to wait for my classmate to arrive and for my teacher to start her grandiose monologue, i decided to take a leak. On my way out, she was still sitting and talking over her phone, she seems worried but hopeful, teary but joyful, she was so occupied over the conversation that again she did not noticed me. On my way back from the comfort room, there i saw her in the same exact position, though i cannot see her face, i’m sure that she was crying. As a friend, i decided to comfort her, 7 steps before i can reach her shoulder and ask what’s going on, i heard what so seems an indistinct scarred voice and a clear phrase of “...i’m pregnant, what should we do?”

I was surprised by that revelation, and still she did not noticed me. Seven steps away from her, i decided to step backward... then i ran away, i ran away from everything except the things that reminds me of her as i though would be forever be min.

This story is quite vague. I have only told the mid-plot, and it seems though that all things that would make sense to this story are hidden away. However, as what i’ve said, this could have been a beautiful story if the fortuity of fate just bet on my side.

...out of impulsive decsion and by my subcosncious defense mechanism, i drove my closest friends away from me.

... she's already taken, irreversibly. what does she expect me to do, support her and be happy, well it is given, but to stay and expect me to smile... i can no longer hide, i'm too tired pretending for the past months.

...out of hatred? definitely not, bitterness, perhaps...? Although i'm happy for her because i cannot give the same things the other one can offer, but my happiness stops when this emptiness starts...

damn, i'm writing about this crap again...

i speak the words of doubt and unease
pushing people away where there was none
i cried, i cry, for life i never had
and waking up in world i despise and loved

i gain comfort in my solitude and madness
but i yern for someone like her to embrace
i prayed, i pray, for a chair to rest on
but i hate sitting where i was there... alone





for a remedy, relief, or a cure
to bring forth time may be the most convinient
sorry, is not a word most appropriate to me
i'll just have to walk away, not to escape-
but to turn back...

once again i'm in the same place i thought i was able to resist, upon filling myself of delusions that fuel my madness, even constantly reminding myself that whatever i aspire with her, in me, are all dire idea of impossibility and despair, still, i can't stop myself. i know that this is pathetic and i know that my only cure is myself, but whenevr her face flashes in me, awake or not, everything returns in place where i first fall.

i thought time can heal, i hoped, prayed, and hoped that it will gave me the cure, but i was wrong. my pathetic "love" grew in a manner that i feared most, wistfully waiting for chance that will never come.

now, i'm currently lost. even how hard i try to guise myself, i know that it doesn't conceal what i feel. to be happy for her is easy, but what comes next is hard.

for a glimpse, i thought i came back from where this mess start, i thought that i can still make a move to win her back. for a glimpse, i thought nothing happen, she's still there waiting for me and i was there telling her how wonderful this world can be if we're together.

life really do sucks, and full of delusion, ideal but hopless delusion.

FUCK!

Its agitating on how I always make things more complicated than what they already are, and I hate the way I keep on pushing things away and the irony that I keep on embracing them.

Am i just dreaming?
Or things do really happen just like that?




Or maybe, I am masochist by heart, or mentally deranged who need much much more reposing… Reposed… Zzzzzz… (no sense, I know, I know, but those who read the book everything is illuminated, and in which I’m too lazy to read so I watched the adaptation of the book in Film having the same title (OF COURSE!!!)...)

Months or maybe a year already passed and yet here I am back at the same situation I keep on ranting and lamenting about. Is there a cure where no causalities or side-effect that will solve everything? Metaphysically, I hope there is at least one- but the probability is too slim that it is just metaphysical in nature (I can’t find the sense in this sentence, a stupid thought that should be included in this entry so people who read this will see on how ironic my mind works).

I hate to admit, but it occurred to me that maybe during those time if I had only screamed the things (to the people concerned) on how I felt, and what is my current disposition, maybe, it changed the whole thing, even less the desired result, it may grant the freedom I failed to gave to myself, that now haunts me by the ghost created by “what if…,” silly, annoying, and mentally and emotionally draining thoughts.

So what should I do? Wait for the magic of time to heal things. Damn, I am the living testament that such regiment is not true; waiting for such time is like subjugating yourself for further suffering and for further subjugation for another suffering, ad infinitum.

So again, what should I do?

when did i last told myself i'm free?





Maybe, i'm just joking then, because everytime i let something away from me, it never failed to leave a haunting remains. I know that there's nothing i can do, I'm just just a delusional kid who keeps on wishing to undo whatever changes happen for the past two years. Stupid? yes, but i can't help it. i really miss the things i used to have-those days when nothings really seems imporatnt but the moment i used to be with her...

now, we seldom talk, i can't even greet her whenevr she's around, we never talk the same way as we used to. the changes in her made me think whether i'm still holding to something she already thrown away. but, what can i do? ...as of know, untill i can't find any remedy... i just had to let time heal this pathetic heart.

 

Men really don't change, even after devastation or triumph, even after realization and being lost, it is guaranteed that men return in a place he ought to forget.

It is one of nature's sarcasm, and another mystery that I crave for answer... or maybe it's only me who is acting like this, and, or, in fact, or maybe, the thing that i'm struggling with is a very common thing that people don't notice... again, maybe it was only me....only me from the beginning.

but an answer may suffice everything...even a benefit of the doubt will do. maybe by doubt... maybe i'm wrong... or maybe i'll just have to fool myself at the end...